Four Letter Nerd

Category - Gaming

The Dark Knight vs the Man of Steel

Since the birth of comic book heroes people have debated who would win if two heroes were pitted against one another. Injustice: Gods Among Us even grants us the opportunity to play through these battles (and like we all expected, Aquaman fights dirtier than the Cobra Kai in Karate Kid). I myself have participated in many such debates, and have come to the conclusion that 98% of the time people just say their favorite hero would win even if the odds are so far in favor of the other hero that it is comparable to believing Rambo would lose in a fistfight against Steve Urkel sans Urkelbot.

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There is no way this has a happy ending

I want to start off by saying that Batman is definitely one of my favorite super heroes. As a matter of fact, Batman was by far my number one until my son was born and my allegiances slowly shifted to Superman. However, I constantly hear people say things like, “Batman could totally destroy (insert any superhero here).” The fanboy in me cheers them on and says “Hell yeah he would,” but could he?

I have my doubts.

First things first, if Batman were real he would be extraordinary by human standards. He has an enormous IQ, is in peak physical condition, has indomitable will, has been trained in the most elite and effective combat systems, has backup plans for his back up plans, and is filthy rich which gives him access to some pretty advanced equipment. Against any human foe the odds would be heavily stacked in his favor.

However, when us fanboys and fangirls get together and speculate who would win in a fight we rarely, if ever, actually pit him against a human opponent.

We pit him against veritable demigods. We pit him against beings that can knock planets out of orbit with their bare hands.

“But Batman knows all of the weaknesses of everyone, he knows Superman is weakened by Kryptonite, that the Martian Manhunter resembles a four year old that accidentally saw the movie Saw when he is around fire, and let’s not even get started on Wonder Woman’s weakness!”

Well, my friend, they know his weakness as well… bullets, laser beams, explosives, cold, heat, sickness, lack of oxygen, traumatic force, choking on a rogue chicken bone, you name it. Elite physical conditioning will not help you if you are thrown into the sun or pummeled into the core of the Earth.

Batman vs. Superman is probably the most popular match up so this is the one we will focus on today. Those two are like Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali of superheroes.

The best thing that Batman has going for him is his mind; he would absolutely destroy Supes in chess, and probably most other board games. However, we have seen in countless Superman tales that pure intellect, even when combined with excessive strength, is rarely a match for the power to break the moon in half. Lex Luthor, like Bruce Wayne, has a superior intellect, and he is totally okay with murdering the hell out of some folks (something Batman is unwilling to do most of the time), but Lex still never wins.

Batman #655 shows Batman bench-pressing well over 1000 pounds. That is an incredible amount of weight. In fact, that’s nearly 300 pounds over the current world record, which is 722 pounds. All Star Superman #1 shows him lifting 200 Quintillion tons which is after he gets exposed to “critical levels of stellar radiation,” the scientist tell Superman that this is triple his original strength. So your regular, old, run of the mill, garden variety Superman can only lift 67 Quintillion tons give or take a few Quintillions. Obviously, Supes has Batman in any ensuing arm wrestling matches.

You may be saying to me through your screen, “Everyone knows Batman keeps Kryptonite in a lead lined compartment of his utility belt just in case Superman ever turns to the Evil (extra emphasis added to the IL to make it sound more menacing).” Kryptonite is basically a short-range advantage for Batman. If Superman was exposed and the fight devolved to hand-to-hand combat, then Batman would have the advantage. But would the fight ever go there?

It’s not like you can sneak up on Superman. In Superman: For Tomorrow, Superman (SPOILER ALERT) knew that Lois Lane had disappeared off of the face of the Earth because he could no longer HEAR HER HEARTBEAT.

If Superman knew it was a fight it would never end up in a hand-to-hand match with him weakened by Kryptonite. It’s like racing a cheetah; if the cheetah knows it’s a race then you have lost.

Superman is like the Navy SEALs of super heroes. He can attack you from anywhere: Sea, Air, or Land. Even with Batman’s reflexes most likely being in the 99.99% of humanity, he would not be able to react fast enough to someone moving near the speed of light.

The amount of time between Superman deciding to throw a punch and his fist making contact is probably not even enough time for the synapses in Batman’s brain to have registered that his world was about to be rocked.

We haven’t even talked about Superman’s other powers he could use to end the fight. If Batman had Kryptonite, Superman could use heat vision to catch Batman on fire from the air, or freeze Batman in place with super frost breath and wait for hypothermia to set in, or just fly so fast towards Batman that by the time he got close enough for the Kryptonite to actually weaken him his forward momentum would carry him into Batman like a rocket powered freight train.

In the end, I would estimate based on nothing more than subjective reasoning that Batman would lose 96 out of 100 fights, with 3 wins by forfeit because Superman wasn’t in the mood to fight, and 1 win based on sheer luck.

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So what do you think? With every tool at his disposal could Batman actually have a chance in an all-out brawl with Superman? What would it take for one of humanities greatest heroes to overcome the Last Son of Krypton?

Wizards, Pokemon, and Pigskins— Why Nerds Should Play Fantasy Football

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Look, I know your frame may be 5’7″ and 110lbs soaking wet and the most time you’ve spent playing sports is when your distant uncle convinces you to play football at Thanksgiving, ending in blood and crying, but you have to hear me out.You can DOMINATE in fantasy football. You might ask yourself “Cody, why in the hell would I play fantasy football?” Of course you’d doubt yourself; it’s what you’re used to. That’s okay I’m here to build you up.

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If you’re anything like my Mudblood self, you have a distinct fierceness when it comes to competition and you definitely understand strategy. You’re smart; you probably helped most athletes in school get by and never took credit. You have an ability to be victorious in most competitive atmospheres and enjoy the spoils. I want to show you why it’s your time for Fantasy Football. You may have never given two prune induced craps about football, but it’s time you pay attention.

First: You’re Smart—

Because of your uncanny ability to retain knowledge, you are already someone to be feared at the draft party. If you’re a master chess player, magic gatherer, Pokemon collector, hairy larper, or some kind of mad scientist wizard, you will most likely have the most detailed draft board put together based on your research. If you’re not familiar with what a draft board is, basically it’s a list of all players you want on your team. It’s just like getting picked last in sports…(cough)something I’m familiar with… you have every player lined up on your board that you think can help you win. Usually they are listed from best to not the most awesome. The tricky part of this board and selecting who you want is the other teams selecting before you. You have to really think about what players MIGHT be left when it is your turn. So really getting your team together is putting together a really strong strategy of research and assumptions. You see? Fantasy Football isn’t really about being a fan of football, it’s more about using your mind to CRUSH your friends dreams of a perfect fantasy football team. You can maniacally laugh and rub your hands awkwardly every time you steal a player off someone else’s draft board. See? Right up your alley. So you’re probably thinking “Okay, I’m a little intrigued.” Or maybe “Still not thinking about it”. Let me explain further.

Second: The Draft Party—

After you’ve spend the better part of 3 weeks studying stats and depth charts your mind is ready to explode from all the knowledge you have. The draft party is the perfect place to relinquish some of the pressure that has been building in your mind. Draft parties are usually a ton of fun. You get to hang out with your friends, try and ruin each other’s dream team, and usually eat hot wings while you do it (or soy patties if you’re vegan I guess?). Once you are actually drafting, and not laughing about the useless nipples on Batman’s suit in Batman and Robin, there is a dead silence in the room. Everyone is watching everyone like a gang knife fight or something, all waiting to take a stab and one another. The first guy makes his pick… and then…. Boom! It’s go time. Some will moan and groan with every pick. Others will calmly and precisely call out their team and never flinch (this should be you with your awesome research being done). Then there is always the one drunk guy who is saying nonsense about everything. Don’t worry about him; he’ll quit after the third game. After it’s all said and done everyone usually sits around and discusses what they had wanted to do and eventually ends up playing one kind of video game or another (Madden, NCAA, Super Smash Brothers, it all depends on the crowd).Ryan_Leaf_drunk_1-400x300

Third: You Know How to Trade—

Draft day is really just the beginning. After the dust settles, and the sore losers have gotten over their losses in the draft room, your friends will become worse than brokers on the New York Stock Exchange. You’ll start getting crazy text messages from your friends that look like your crazy ex-girlfriend wrote them “PLEZ PLEZ PLEZ Talk to me!!!!!!!! WE CAN WORK THIS OUT!!! I’LL LuV YOU FOREVER!!!!” but your strong will and inexperience with women will make it easy for you to turn down terrible offers. Plus you have more experience trading game cards than anyone in the room.

Crazy Girl Friend

Fourth: It’s All a Game—

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What makes Fantasy Football so well suited for you is it is the LONGEST BOARD GAME YOU WILL EVER PLAY, and what’s best is that all your game pieces are real people. It’s kind of like you’re the general of an army. Every week you face a new foe. Your job is to put your best battle pieces on the board, and let them hurt each other like that sweet chess set in star wars ( I always wanted one of those). I personally feel this is the BEST part of playing fantasy football. It is extremely unpredictable. You may have read every beginners guide to fantasy football and they all say to draft Peyton Manning as your first pick, then the very first play of the season he breaks his neck (knock on wood, which would be terrible). This is similar to having your favorite Magic card light on fire just before you went to a tournament. IT MAKES YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS RUINED. Luckily, you’ve already made a solid draft and have another quarterback you can throw in the game, right? In the end, it is just a big game, and is all for fun.

Fifth: You can Win Money! —

With all the previous reasons to play in your pocket, you could literally use your skills to line your pockets. Most Fantasy Football leagues are free, but there are some that may have an entry fee. For instance the one I’ll be playing in this year has a $20 entrance fee. While that may seem steep, trust me, it’s not. I’ve seen some of my friends play for $150 and win $2,000. Now they have tons of experience, and have been practicing the craft for a while, but seriously I have no doubt you could pull this off. Here’s my advice. Take this year, and maybe next, and play for free with your friends who already do. If playing for money isn’t your thing I don’t blame you. Sometimes it is just fun to win, and rub your friends’ faces in it.

Sixth: You have Help

Luckily for you, Robbie and I are here to help you build a draft and guide you through your first season of Fantasy Football. We’re not pro’s, but I feel like we can learn a lot from each other. You have a question about a player, or rules, or how you should set up your draft, don’t be afraid to send it to us. We’ll give you our best answer.

So what part of this makes you think you might want to play fantasy football?