Four Letter Nerd

Category - Gaming

Magic is Simple

Editor’s note:  This article was written by Jason Hill.

“LIAR!” you shout after reading the title of this article. “I’ve seen the game being played by some nerds. They turn their cards sideways, and then right ways up again. They put cards on the table only to take them off again later, but sometimes they don’t! They spout gibberish like, ‘Tap this for seven’, and ‘swing with everything’. I’ve even seen them put dice on their cards before. Who does that? And if that weren’t enough, the official online rulebook is 196 pages long, and that’s tiny type! TINY TYPE!” (Stop shouting. There might be people around. Everything will be okay.) Even veterans of the game would call me a liar, and tell me that it’s one of the more complicated games they have played.

Though it may be true that I am a liar, I’m not lying about this. Let me explain. The almost 200 word rulebook are the complete and comprehensive rules to help settle disputes and lay down special rules between more seasoned and serious players. For beginners, the rules that they give you can easily fit on a small sized poster, the type isn’t microscopic, and there are even some pictures to help give examples. I’d be surprised if Monopoly had more characters in it rule book. If you still don’t believe that it’s simple, I will break it down into three simple concepts and two simple goals. The concepts are as follows:

1. Land equals money
2. Play your turns carefully
3. Read the cards (this one is the most important)

Now, to explain land equals money. In Magic the Gathering (MTG) there are spell cards, and there are land cards. Spell cards cost mana, the game’s currency, to play. Land cards produce mana when you turn them sideways. Therefore, to play spells against your opponent, you must have land.

Play your turns carefully. MTG is set up in such a way that not everything can happen at once, but a great deal can happen during your turn. A single person’s turn consists of seven different steps which are explained on the “rules poster”. This is where the strategy comes in, for you can only play one land per turn, but you can play as many spells as you can afford. When you play your spells will be
the key to either your victory or defeat, and it’s not always a good idea to play them all at once.

Read the cards is probably the most important, yet most forgotten concept of this game. According to Wikipedia, there are 12,988 unique cards in print as of January 2013. That’s a lot of cards! There are tons of spells that do multitudes of things. You can do things like summon a creature, or enchant a player, or play a spell that doesn’t let your opponent play a spell, or summon an artifact that you can put on a creature, and the list goes on. STOP! Don’t get overwhelmed just yet. Breathe. Now, read the card. It will tell you exactly what it does.

There might be some numbers and symbols on it that you don’t understand. Don’t fret, the “rules poster” has a picture of an ordinary card and explains what all the numbers and symbols mean. You may stumble along a keyword you aren’t familiar with, like hexproof. It’s okay. The “rules poster” has a small glossary of the most commonly used keywords. If you can’t find the keyword on the poster, a quick google search will answer your questions. Everything else is pretty much common sense. Seeing as how you have stopped hyperventilating, we shall continue.

When playing MTG, you have two goals that you want to accomplish to win the game. They are as such:

1. Don’t die
2. Don’t go insane

Don’t die! Starting a game of MTG will yield you twenty points of life. If ever your life total should reach zero, you will be pronounced dead, and subsequently lose the game. “Who’s trying to kill me?” you may ask. Why, it’s your lovely opponent who wishes for your death. He/she will be hurling spells at you in order to deplete your life total to nothingness. Not all is lost, though, for you shall be attempting the same to them. You must use your wit and the spells in your hand to defend, attack, and trick your opponents before your life becomes naught. An easy task, when you really stop and think about it.

Don’t go insane. In MTG, the deck of cards that you draw from represents your mind. When you draw a spell it’s like drawing from your memory how to cast that spell. Keep taxing your brain over and over like that and eventually you’ll go insane. When you can no longer draw cards from your deck, you have lost the game. You might want to keep a straight jacket handy, just in case.

Words of wisdom to beginners:

• Play other beginners or patient and kind veterans, but you’re better off with beginners for the most part.
• Don’t worry over every little detail. It’s okay if you accidentally fudge some of the details or misinterpret one of the rules. Remember to keep an open mind and play fairly. If you find out you have been doing something wrong, tell those who’ve been playing it the wrong way with you so they don’t look like idiots to others. Lastly, if you let someone take back something they didn’t mean to do, they might be twice as likely to return the favor. (this is all in casual play, of
course)
• Don’t fill your casual decks with game winning, powerful cards. Sure, one or three wont hurt. I’d even recommend it, but if you continually stomp the living daylights out of your friends, one of two things will happen. One is that they will no longer wish to play MTG with you, and one really is the loneliest number. The other is that they will find a card to counter your deus ex machina (and trust me, there is a way to defeat every single card in the game. It’s called balance.) and then you will be on the losing end and have to find a solution to their deck to win
once again. It can become a viscous cycle.
• Set a budget BEFORE buying cards. Your wallet will thank me.

If you have read down this far in the article with out skipping most of it, then you need to try the game Magic the Gathering, or at least give it another chance. I hope you come away from this with a better understanding of the game and a new outlook on those who play it. If you read this in hopes of learning how to get a friend into MTG or how to teach it to others, I’ll write another article regarding that soon.

Is there anything else you would like to know about Magic the Gathering? Are there other things you would like me to try to simplify? (women is not a proper suggestion) Finally, what is the most important detail, if any, that I left out of this article? (I haven’t reached perfect yet)

Jason Hill has bought more Magic cards than his cousins, siblings, aunts, uncles, parents, and grandparents combined.

Pikmin 3 Review

Editor’s note: this is a guest post from Alex Baskette. 

After almost a decade and multiple starts and stops in production Nintendo has finally released Pikmin 3, the long awaited sequel to the beloved franchise. Those of us who purchased the Wii U have been eagerly awaiting strong titles like Pikmin 3, so we may knock the dust off the GamePad and not feel like we threw our cash down the Sarlac Pit. Right off the bat this game feels familiar, like returning home after long trip. A lot of the mechanics of the game remain the same from the first two titles, except this time you take control of three squidgy little alien explorers instead of just one. Along with the addition of the new playable characters there are two new types of Pikmin. The Black Pikmin are a rock type Pikmin and can be used to break through glass barriers or an enemy’s shields. The other type is a pink, flying Pikmin, while it’s not terribly strong in battle they are very useful in completing puzzles and getting to fruits and treasures that are typically out of reach for the other Pikmin.

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The game starts off by introducing you to a new planet, Koppai. It appears that the inhabitants of this planet have burned through all of their natural resources and will face certain peril if another source of food is not found soon. The leaders of Koppai send a team consisting of Captain Charlie, Engineer Alph, and Botanist Brittany to a far off planet known as PNF-404. Upon entering the planet’s atmosphere the ship encounters a system wide failure and Captain Charlie and Brittany are thrown from the ship along with the ship’s Cosmic Drive Key. The mood intensifies as our heroes are separated on a alien world making the first part of the game focused on being reunited. After coming to, we are introduced to the multicolored flower creatures known as Pikmin. The landscapes are rich and beautiful. Throughout the game, players encounter four separate environments before it reaches it’s climax in the final area. Within these environments you are tasked with collecting different fruits for your juice supply for you to drink at the end of each day. This also allows the astronauts to obtain seeds to take back to their struggling home planet. Completing these tasks all has to be done before the sun goes down. Once the night falls nocturnal predators come out, and any Pikmin that are not rounded up are violently consumed by these beasts. All of this while you hunt down the elusive Captain Olimar, the tiny, treasure-obsessed hero from the first two Pikmin games. Through picking up clues you find that Captain Olimar has made off with your Cosmic Drive Key, the component needed for you to get back to Koppai!

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The gameplay mechanics have not changed much since the first Pikmin game. This time around you have the ability to control three different squads at a time with the GamePad. Players are given three different ways to play, the GamePad, the Wiimote and Nunchuck, and the Wii U Pro Controller. Playing with the GamePad gives you constant access to the World Map allowing you to quickly switch between each individual squad. The only downside to using the GamePad is if you are a hunker down and play all night kind of gamer the battery only lasts between 3 and 5 hours. The Wiimote and Nunchuck provide the most accurate option during battle, and the battery lasts significantly longer. Using the Wii U Pro Controller is essentially the same as using the GamePad minus the screen. All three work great and it really comes down to whatever your most comfortable with. The game is relatively short compared to its previous counterparts. I would recommend taking your time and really take in what this game has to offer. It provides different endings depending on how much fruit you collect. My only real complaint is that there is not a multiplayer co-op for the main campaign. The multiplayer modes are Mission Mode and Bingo Battle. In Mission Mode you have the option of fighting enemies, defeating the bosses, or collecting fruit. In this mode you have an allotted number of Pikmin and are held to a 5 to 15 minute time limit. In Bingo Battle you play as Alph and Olimar. You are given a Bingo card with Bosses, Fruits, Enemies, and Marbles. The players battle one another to check off boxes on their cards, and also make sure their opponents do not succeed. Both multiplayer modes are enjoyable but the lack of online multiplayer is a bit of a disappointment.

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All in all this is a welcome addition to the Wii U catalog, and after it was all said and done I craved more from this title. Playing this game brought back so many great memories of high school and playing the original Pikmin until the wii hours of the morning. Many have said that Nintendo has not released any new original content in a very long time, to that I say so what?! This is what we want, we want that quality and imaginative engrossing storytelling that we as gamers have come to love. I hope that this is the beginning of the next gen Nintendo revolution we have been hoping for. I am so very excited for Mario Kart 8, Super Smash Brothers Wii U, and The Legend Of Zelda HD.

Pros:
• Lush and Vivid Landscapes
• Beautifully created creatures
• Endearing and meaningful story

Cons:
• No online multiplayer
• GamePad accuracy is sloppy
• Play time is WAY too short

I give Pikmin 3 for the Wii U 4.5 out of 5

From The Nerdery(Mailbag) Geek Girls, Star Wars, and Pedophile Killers

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Wooohooo!!! It’s the weekend! Take a minute to check out this pretty funny video. We’ll dub it the Nerd of the week.

There’s a lot today, so onward to The Nerdery….

 

Nathan D – In a nerd exchange program, what non-Star Wars character would you like to see IN the Star Wars universe during Episode 4-6, and which Star Wars character from that time would transfer into the other’s universe? What are their fates/influences?:

 

This might be considered traitorous, but I would love to see Captain Kirk (Shatner or Pine, although Pine would work a little better) in his prime in the Original Trilogy. He has the right kind of attitude for the series, and it would be interesting to see how he would lead during the Battle of Yavin (where the Rebel Alliance destroys the Death Star… Spoiler Alert, I guess?). It would be fun to see him command a starship while the battle raged on (think Admiral Ackbar, without the crabbiness), and I think he would bring a different command presence. Just picturing him and Han Solo interacting is amazing. For the exchange I would like to see the Emperor go to Star Trek: the Original Series. I was originally going to go with Darth Vader, but the Emperor is just so evil and manipulative that he would make a better villain in the Star Trek universe. He could work his way up through the Federation like he did the Senate and the Captains would have to band together to stop him.

 

I think it would be hilarious to replace C-3PO and Bender from Futurama. Bender doesn’t have the qualifications that 3PO does, but his attitude would be hilarious in his interactions with Han. “Shut him up or shut him down!” “Well, you can kiss my shiny, metal, ass!…. Hey what the… what are you” –click. Admittedly, with Bender being Jabba’s interpreter the whole plan would have gone down the drain, Han would still be an ornament, and Luke would have gotten himself trapped for nothing, but it would be hilarious. And can you imagine C-3PO in Futurama? He would be the butt of almost every joke, and his reactions to all the shenanigans would be priceless. His conversations with Fry would probably make him short-circuit frequently, and seeing him in the crazy situations that the Planet Express team fine themselves in on a regular basis would be great. Leela and Han Solo would deal with him very similarly I think. — Cam

 

 

 

 

Whitlee W writes- Who would yoy guys say is the darkest superhero, besides the standard answer of Batman?

 

 

Stephen—Hellboy – A lot of characters, for one reason or another, go to hell. They have to fight the devil or demons or zombie Teddy Roosevelt and then they move on. Hellboy… IS FROM HELL. His name even has HELL in it. That’s pretty dark to me. It’s like how when someone tells you they’re from Detroit and you immediately assume they’re family is all dead and they’ve personally murdered at least 7 guys themselves. (Editorial Note: 4LN would like to apologize to the people of Detroit and all Teddy Roosevelt enthusiasts for this contributors remarks. They are not shared by the entire team.)

 

Cam—I am going to have to go with the Punisher. He is the antithesis of Batman, in that he seeks revenge, not justice. His wife and child were murdered, and now he is going to kill anyone he thinks is evil. That’s really the difference between him and Bats. Batman draws the line at murder (unless you count the movies… he kills almost every villain it seems like), the Punisher is a hunter who only has one goal: eradication of anybody considered bad

 

Cody— Spawn, all day. I know Hellboy is from hell and the punisher is hell bent on revenge, but this guy was SENT to hell for murdering people that were innocent (unknowingly). His story is filled with so many up and downs. When he is sent to hell he is at the top of his game in the CIA, and is murdered by his partner. In hell he sells his soul to a demon to be able to see his wife. Once he returns, she has moved on, and he doesn’t even remember why he’s there. It’s not just Spawn that’s dark it’s the world around him: Demons, angels, sin eaters, clowns, murder, pedophilia, revenge, and love lost. He’s one of my favorites honestly. Not to mention his suit is made of Necroplasm, for all you non-word nerds out there his suit is made up by death. He’s wrapped in death. FTW.

 

Robbie—- The darkest character hero that I can think of is Rorschach. Originally I was going to go with Spawn, but there is so much more of a human element with Rorschach. While he is very much a vigilante similar to Batman and will do the right thing, he has this ruthlessness to him that is pretty brutal. With lines like “The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout ‘Save us!’ And I’ll look down, and whisper ‘No'”, I think Rorschach is a pretty dark guy.

Bill- Ok, so for darkest character, I’m going to have to go with John Constantine. After all, he is pretty much the leader of Justice League Dark. Now, I understand that John does everything in life like he’s a backhanded compliment. What he does at first appears to be the right thing but in reality he’s just trying to pull a huge con. He’s quite the dick if you ask me. He’s got to also be the most corruptible character in the DC universe (that might be why I love him, but don’t get me started on Keanu Reeves…) For a little back story on why he’s a corrupt wanker, in the New 52 Trinity War series, he tried to steal Shazam’s power AND all Justice League America, Justice League Dark, and Justice League are all fighting over Pandora’s Box, each character who touches begins to go mad with power until the next unlucky hero becomes possessed with want, EXCEPT Mr. Constantine, because “You can’t corrupt what’s already corrupted.

 

 

 

 

Melody D. asks: I would love to her you nerds weigh in on the “geek girl,” debate/debacle. I think it is such a window into American culture through the eyes of a microcosm, and I genuinely love hearing new points of view.

 

 

This is a question that has several deep rooted answers to it, and please don’t kill me for saying what I’m about to say. I’m going to put it like this. Nerds… can be chauvinist assholes. It’s the truth. Girls in the nerd realm are seen a couple of ways; one as posers (attention whores and just looking for acceptance), and two as intruders (that is not my opinion personally, just how I think it is perceived by most). Harsh words I know. Honestly, if a girl is genuinely into something geeky I don’t think twice about it. Regularly I bounce questions off a coworker that is a pretty big geek herself, but most guys see it as a gentleman’s club. A place they can go and talk about their man things. I don’t think nerds have anything against woman being into what they (the guys) are, heck it increases their chances of after Magic tournament activities, but I do think the nerd world is a safe haven to guys who have been dominated by groups of other subcultures. It’s their dark corner of a room to just be themselves and play games that are uncool, or talk about characters that aren’t real. When a woman comes into the picture and starts dominating with gaming skill or comic knowledge, it sets off the defense mechanism and causes the nerd self-confidence to sink even lower; even in its safe haven. It might be nice window into the heart of men though. We all just want to feel good about ourselves in some way or another. So really, I think it shows how weak men can be, because you get the same reaction when a woman decides to play fantasy football. Being beat by a girl (even as an adult man) is the worst feeling, so kudos to you for staying strong in our idiocy. —- Cody

 

 

Thanks for reading, and we’ll catch you guys next week. (Beaming Up) 4LN Crew.

BADLAND [REVIEW]

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Badland is a game that truly represents what mobile gaming has become. It’s fun, addicting, quirky and simple. While some games try to push the hardware of the latest phones, Badland tries to pack as much fun in to a small package as possible.

Keeping It Simple & Addicting

There have been very few games on the mobile platform that have sucked me in as much as Badland has. The game is a simple side scroller, where you have to take your character (a clone that looks like a mixture between a bear and Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force) through a gauntlet of gears and saws trying to end its life and make it out alive. It’s that simple. You automatically start floating forward, the only control you have to do is tap or hold the screen to keep your clone up. Think of it as if you were trying to keep a balloon up and you hit it from the bottom to keep it afloat. It’s similar to that.

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Just Enough Variety

There are a few more elements to the game, but it does a great job of gradually introducing them to you. You’ll eventually find power ups that will make you bigger, make you smaller, make you go faster, make you weigh more, ect. One of the cool bonuses that you can accomplish is getting more clones to the end of the level. You’ll come across a cluster ball of other clones. Once you make contact with these little guys they will attach on to you and follow you. This adds an interesting puzzle element when you come across some tricky obstacles. Even with these elements thrown in, Badland still manages to stay true to its simple formula.

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Giddy As A Child

The simplicity of everything is what I admire the most about Badland. It takes me back to the days of being a kid and playing other side scrollers like Contra or Super Mario World. As soon as you pick up the game you immediately get what it is and how to play it. Even though it takes these retro elements, it is one of the most beautiful mobile games I have ever played. The statement “less is more” is easily applied here. Badland is a prime example that a game can still be super simple, and provide some extremely addicting gameplay. Go buy Badland in the Apple App Store. It is easily worth the $4 that you’ll pay for it.

 

 

The Dark Knight vs the Man of Steel

Since the birth of comic book heroes people have debated who would win if two heroes were pitted against one another. Injustice: Gods Among Us even grants us the opportunity to play through these battles (and like we all expected, Aquaman fights dirtier than the Cobra Kai in Karate Kid). I myself have participated in many such debates, and have come to the conclusion that 98% of the time people just say their favorite hero would win even if the odds are so far in favor of the other hero that it is comparable to believing Rambo would lose in a fistfight against Steve Urkel sans Urkelbot.

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There is no way this has a happy ending

I want to start off by saying that Batman is definitely one of my favorite super heroes. As a matter of fact, Batman was by far my number one until my son was born and my allegiances slowly shifted to Superman. However, I constantly hear people say things like, “Batman could totally destroy (insert any superhero here).” The fanboy in me cheers them on and says “Hell yeah he would,” but could he?

I have my doubts.

First things first, if Batman were real he would be extraordinary by human standards. He has an enormous IQ, is in peak physical condition, has indomitable will, has been trained in the most elite and effective combat systems, has backup plans for his back up plans, and is filthy rich which gives him access to some pretty advanced equipment. Against any human foe the odds would be heavily stacked in his favor.

However, when us fanboys and fangirls get together and speculate who would win in a fight we rarely, if ever, actually pit him against a human opponent.

We pit him against veritable demigods. We pit him against beings that can knock planets out of orbit with their bare hands.

“But Batman knows all of the weaknesses of everyone, he knows Superman is weakened by Kryptonite, that the Martian Manhunter resembles a four year old that accidentally saw the movie Saw when he is around fire, and let’s not even get started on Wonder Woman’s weakness!”

Well, my friend, they know his weakness as well… bullets, laser beams, explosives, cold, heat, sickness, lack of oxygen, traumatic force, choking on a rogue chicken bone, you name it. Elite physical conditioning will not help you if you are thrown into the sun or pummeled into the core of the Earth.

Batman vs. Superman is probably the most popular match up so this is the one we will focus on today. Those two are like Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali of superheroes.

The best thing that Batman has going for him is his mind; he would absolutely destroy Supes in chess, and probably most other board games. However, we have seen in countless Superman tales that pure intellect, even when combined with excessive strength, is rarely a match for the power to break the moon in half. Lex Luthor, like Bruce Wayne, has a superior intellect, and he is totally okay with murdering the hell out of some folks (something Batman is unwilling to do most of the time), but Lex still never wins.

Batman #655 shows Batman bench-pressing well over 1000 pounds. That is an incredible amount of weight. In fact, that’s nearly 300 pounds over the current world record, which is 722 pounds. All Star Superman #1 shows him lifting 200 Quintillion tons which is after he gets exposed to “critical levels of stellar radiation,” the scientist tell Superman that this is triple his original strength. So your regular, old, run of the mill, garden variety Superman can only lift 67 Quintillion tons give or take a few Quintillions. Obviously, Supes has Batman in any ensuing arm wrestling matches.

You may be saying to me through your screen, “Everyone knows Batman keeps Kryptonite in a lead lined compartment of his utility belt just in case Superman ever turns to the Evil (extra emphasis added to the IL to make it sound more menacing).” Kryptonite is basically a short-range advantage for Batman. If Superman was exposed and the fight devolved to hand-to-hand combat, then Batman would have the advantage. But would the fight ever go there?

It’s not like you can sneak up on Superman. In Superman: For Tomorrow, Superman (SPOILER ALERT) knew that Lois Lane had disappeared off of the face of the Earth because he could no longer HEAR HER HEARTBEAT.

If Superman knew it was a fight it would never end up in a hand-to-hand match with him weakened by Kryptonite. It’s like racing a cheetah; if the cheetah knows it’s a race then you have lost.

Superman is like the Navy SEALs of super heroes. He can attack you from anywhere: Sea, Air, or Land. Even with Batman’s reflexes most likely being in the 99.99% of humanity, he would not be able to react fast enough to someone moving near the speed of light.

The amount of time between Superman deciding to throw a punch and his fist making contact is probably not even enough time for the synapses in Batman’s brain to have registered that his world was about to be rocked.

We haven’t even talked about Superman’s other powers he could use to end the fight. If Batman had Kryptonite, Superman could use heat vision to catch Batman on fire from the air, or freeze Batman in place with super frost breath and wait for hypothermia to set in, or just fly so fast towards Batman that by the time he got close enough for the Kryptonite to actually weaken him his forward momentum would carry him into Batman like a rocket powered freight train.

In the end, I would estimate based on nothing more than subjective reasoning that Batman would lose 96 out of 100 fights, with 3 wins by forfeit because Superman wasn’t in the mood to fight, and 1 win based on sheer luck.

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So what do you think? With every tool at his disposal could Batman actually have a chance in an all-out brawl with Superman? What would it take for one of humanities greatest heroes to overcome the Last Son of Krypton?

Wizards, Pokemon, and Pigskins— Why Nerds Should Play Fantasy Football

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Look, I know your frame may be 5’7″ and 110lbs soaking wet and the most time you’ve spent playing sports is when your distant uncle convinces you to play football at Thanksgiving, ending in blood and crying, but you have to hear me out.You can DOMINATE in fantasy football. You might ask yourself “Cody, why in the hell would I play fantasy football?” Of course you’d doubt yourself; it’s what you’re used to. That’s okay I’m here to build you up.

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If you’re anything like my Mudblood self, you have a distinct fierceness when it comes to competition and you definitely understand strategy. You’re smart; you probably helped most athletes in school get by and never took credit. You have an ability to be victorious in most competitive atmospheres and enjoy the spoils. I want to show you why it’s your time for Fantasy Football. You may have never given two prune induced craps about football, but it’s time you pay attention.

First: You’re Smart—

Because of your uncanny ability to retain knowledge, you are already someone to be feared at the draft party. If you’re a master chess player, magic gatherer, Pokemon collector, hairy larper, or some kind of mad scientist wizard, you will most likely have the most detailed draft board put together based on your research. If you’re not familiar with what a draft board is, basically it’s a list of all players you want on your team. It’s just like getting picked last in sports…(cough)something I’m familiar with… you have every player lined up on your board that you think can help you win. Usually they are listed from best to not the most awesome. The tricky part of this board and selecting who you want is the other teams selecting before you. You have to really think about what players MIGHT be left when it is your turn. So really getting your team together is putting together a really strong strategy of research and assumptions. You see? Fantasy Football isn’t really about being a fan of football, it’s more about using your mind to CRUSH your friends dreams of a perfect fantasy football team. You can maniacally laugh and rub your hands awkwardly every time you steal a player off someone else’s draft board. See? Right up your alley. So you’re probably thinking “Okay, I’m a little intrigued.” Or maybe “Still not thinking about it”. Let me explain further.

Second: The Draft Party—

After you’ve spend the better part of 3 weeks studying stats and depth charts your mind is ready to explode from all the knowledge you have. The draft party is the perfect place to relinquish some of the pressure that has been building in your mind. Draft parties are usually a ton of fun. You get to hang out with your friends, try and ruin each other’s dream team, and usually eat hot wings while you do it (or soy patties if you’re vegan I guess?). Once you are actually drafting, and not laughing about the useless nipples on Batman’s suit in Batman and Robin, there is a dead silence in the room. Everyone is watching everyone like a gang knife fight or something, all waiting to take a stab and one another. The first guy makes his pick… and then…. Boom! It’s go time. Some will moan and groan with every pick. Others will calmly and precisely call out their team and never flinch (this should be you with your awesome research being done). Then there is always the one drunk guy who is saying nonsense about everything. Don’t worry about him; he’ll quit after the third game. After it’s all said and done everyone usually sits around and discusses what they had wanted to do and eventually ends up playing one kind of video game or another (Madden, NCAA, Super Smash Brothers, it all depends on the crowd).Ryan_Leaf_drunk_1-400x300

Third: You Know How to Trade—

Draft day is really just the beginning. After the dust settles, and the sore losers have gotten over their losses in the draft room, your friends will become worse than brokers on the New York Stock Exchange. You’ll start getting crazy text messages from your friends that look like your crazy ex-girlfriend wrote them “PLEZ PLEZ PLEZ Talk to me!!!!!!!! WE CAN WORK THIS OUT!!! I’LL LuV YOU FOREVER!!!!” but your strong will and inexperience with women will make it easy for you to turn down terrible offers. Plus you have more experience trading game cards than anyone in the room.

Crazy Girl Friend

Fourth: It’s All a Game—

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What makes Fantasy Football so well suited for you is it is the LONGEST BOARD GAME YOU WILL EVER PLAY, and what’s best is that all your game pieces are real people. It’s kind of like you’re the general of an army. Every week you face a new foe. Your job is to put your best battle pieces on the board, and let them hurt each other like that sweet chess set in star wars ( I always wanted one of those). I personally feel this is the BEST part of playing fantasy football. It is extremely unpredictable. You may have read every beginners guide to fantasy football and they all say to draft Peyton Manning as your first pick, then the very first play of the season he breaks his neck (knock on wood, which would be terrible). This is similar to having your favorite Magic card light on fire just before you went to a tournament. IT MAKES YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS RUINED. Luckily, you’ve already made a solid draft and have another quarterback you can throw in the game, right? In the end, it is just a big game, and is all for fun.

Fifth: You can Win Money! —

With all the previous reasons to play in your pocket, you could literally use your skills to line your pockets. Most Fantasy Football leagues are free, but there are some that may have an entry fee. For instance the one I’ll be playing in this year has a $20 entrance fee. While that may seem steep, trust me, it’s not. I’ve seen some of my friends play for $150 and win $2,000. Now they have tons of experience, and have been practicing the craft for a while, but seriously I have no doubt you could pull this off. Here’s my advice. Take this year, and maybe next, and play for free with your friends who already do. If playing for money isn’t your thing I don’t blame you. Sometimes it is just fun to win, and rub your friends’ faces in it.

Sixth: You have Help

Luckily for you, Robbie and I are here to help you build a draft and guide you through your first season of Fantasy Football. We’re not pro’s, but I feel like we can learn a lot from each other. You have a question about a player, or rules, or how you should set up your draft, don’t be afraid to send it to us. We’ll give you our best answer.

So what part of this makes you think you might want to play fantasy football?