Four Letter Nerd

Mortal Kombat: Some Observations

(Editor’s note: this article was written by Paige Clark – Cam’s wife)

First off, let me just say that Mortal Kombat is one of the single best pieces of film ever created, however, when I was watching it one morning I did notice a few things that just made me think. I don’t want to give you the impression that I am just some random person who happened across the movie while trying to find something else to watch. Out of everything that was available to me, I chose to watch Mortal Kombat.

I have been watching the movie, and it’s almost equally as impressive sequel Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, as long as I can remember. I also grew up playing the games on Sega Genesis with my older brother, as well as my husband. I have played and defeated many an opponent. Although, combo moves just seems to elude, so therefore, I became a master in the art of button mashing.

This is why my husband rarely plays fighting games anymore.

This is why my husband rarely plays fighting games anymore.

Here are some of the things I noticed while watching this great achievement in the cinematic arts.

Raiden is a useless Sensei or whatever the hell he is. When he first tells the three main characters, Liu Kang, Johnny Cage, and Sonya Blade (could you say their names without singing the theme song to yourself? I didn’t think so) he tells them to follow him then just lighting teleports himself up to the top of the boat leaving no trail…how the heck were they supposed to find him without some sort of trail to follow? You are supposed to think that Raiden is the equivalent to Jedi Master Yoda, but Jar Jar Binks is closer to being a Master Jedi than Raiden is to being a decent mentor or spirit guide (again, whatever the hell he is).

"Do or do not... or whatever."

“Do or do not… or whatever.”

I think what is the most frustrating thing about Raiden is that he never really helps them defeat Shang Tsung (the bad guy that takes fallen warriors souls, yeah yeah yeah, so what makes him so special). All he does is speak in riddles and lighting blinks at you. One thing he does do is conveniently leaves a bucket of water for Liu to use against Sub-Zero, which leads me to my next observation.

During a warm up round with Princess Kitana, Liu Kang is apparently pretty dense when she gives him a heads up and says, “To win your next match use the element that brings life.” Obviously she is talking about water. It then shoots to the match between Liu and Sub-Zero. As they are fighting I eagerly await for Liu to use his awesome bicycle kick against Sub-Zero that never comes. Instead Kitana shows up in the shadows and uses her newfound telepathy to remind Liu about the whole water deal. Then Liu is like, “Oh a bucket of water is conveniently placed right here!” He then slings it around way to many times and releases it at the right level to break through Sub-Zero’s ice bubble, some how (against the laws of physics) spills mid air, forms into a icicle point first and hits Sub-Zero in the gut. At first you’d think you’d be like, “Oh yeah, nice try Liu, this guy can manipulate ice. It’s in his name for goodness sake.” But OH NO logically minded movie viewer, you thought wrong. Instead of just absorbing the ice it engulfs Sub-Zero and the match is over with Liu as the victor. WTF, right?

Quick thought: Scorpion looks cross-eyed all the time, but then again it’s hard to tell with his cataract eyes. No wonder he couldn’t get his “get over here thing” to Johnny Cage.

mortal-kombat-scorpion

“Holla.”

Speaking of Johnny Cage, this guy is so full of himself he decides he is going to challenge the 500 year victor of the Mortal Kombat tournament, Prince Goro, the huge, ugly, high pony tailed, four armed monster. Well Cage has a few tricks up his perfectly rolled up sleeves. Goro mistakenly takes the $500 sunglasses off of Cage’s face and crushes them. Mistake numero uno for the BFM (Big F***ing Monster). Cage then does the splits, junk punches Goro, and runs away. Goro did not handle the pain well and whined like a deep voiced little, ugly, high-ponytailed, four armed girl monster. When Goro finally composes himself he chases Cage to the edge of a cliff. You know it’s the edge of a cliff because when you look down all you see is smoke with lightning (a huge crop dusting left by Raiden no doubt).

"Whoever smelt it, dealt it... or whatever."

“Whoever smelt it, dealt it… or whatever.”

Cage has the high ground and surprises Goro with a flying kick to the chest knocking him off the cliff. Cage looks over the edge and sees Goro hanging on to a small ledge with one hand. He suddenly loses his grip and falls into the Raiden death fart. I couldn’t help but think in those moments while he was hanging on by one giant hand, that at least one of his remaining three really powerful arms could have been useful in preventing his fall into the sulfurous pit of doom. But then again what do I know? I only have two arms. Let me also add that my 1.5 year old was playing while I was watching the movie, and the only time he really paid any attention to the movie was when Goro first fought someone. He was quite intrigued with him. So maybe I can see why Cage wanted to fight him.

Eventually, Liu and Cage go after Sonya who was taken by Shang Tsung to another realm and challenges her to the ultimate Mortal Kombat. On their way there Liu decided to fight Reptile (Reptile has been following him the whole movie, he’s the creepy little lizard, raptor guy). When Liu defeats him by using his awesome bicycle kick, Reptile inexplicably turns into a big pile of bugs. This confused me, mostly because bugs are not a part of the reptile family. It would have made a lot more sense if it was a bunch of tiny little geckos (I’d even be okay if a few of them had Cockney accents).

In the end, Liu being “The Chosen One” challenges Shang Tsung to Mortal Kombat. It’s a hard fought battle, especially when Shang calls upon all the souls of warriors he has collected. You’d think that it would be a done deal for him, but for whatever reason, the thousands of souls wrongfully stolen decide to mutiny against Shang and help Liu defeat him. Liu finally uses his fireball (about freaking time) against Shang sending him on to a spike.  Liu then says some infamous words, but the wrong infamous words. He says, “Flawless Victory.” Umm, how about NO Liu, that was not a Flawless Victory. It was very close but you nearly got the crap kicked out of you even before Shang called the extra souls. What you did sir was a “Fatality.” Get it right.

How-About-No.-Doctor-Evil-W630

That concludes a few of my observations of this cinematic masterpiece. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Who knows, maybe we will get lucky and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation will come on this week and I can make some observations about that one too. But then again I can just watch the DVD considering I own it.

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