Four Letter Nerd

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: Some Observations

With it being less than a week away from Christmas I will be watching Christmas movies and holiday episodes of different shows nonstop because I want to share the joy of this time of year with my 2 year old, Charlie, but mostly because Christmas themed shows and movies are my favorite. We decided (well, I decided because I’m the mom) to watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, the 1964 Christmas Classic. As it came on and that funny looking snowman scooted onto screen and introduced the story I sat in anticipation, excited to share this moment with my son. As we watched I started to notice some things that were a little bothersome in this 2014 PC friendly world we currently live it.

I realized very quickly while watching this that Santa is a total dick. When he sees Rudolph for the first time his first reaction is not how you would typically greet a newborn anything. He steps back as if he’s in fear because Rudolph has a lighty up nose. I mean I get it, if I went and saw one of my friends newborns in the hospital and he/she had a lighty up nose I’d be a little caught off guard. Santa isn’t very sensitive to the situation. He tells Donner that with a nose like that Rudolph will never make the sleigh team. Basically, he said you just made a freak and you need to hide him because he will never be accepted as normal. What the hell Santa? What’s your problem? I get that it’s a tough world out there and we need to be able to handle it but still, it’s a little harshenhanced-buzz-21692-1337636512-6The snowman refers to Rudolph’s nose as a “nonconformity.”  Which I just thought was a funny way to put it. For such a non-politically correct movie that’s a very politically correct way to say Rudolph is a freak.

The story then takes you to another dark and tragic aspect of North Pole Life (I feel like I just created a new hashtag), the sad life of Santa’s elves. They toil away day after day, year after year, making snot nosed kids toys that they will play with for all of 5 minutes, which is when they discover the box the toy came in. If you don’t like making toys as an elf, you basically have a snowball’s chance in Hell at surviving in the North Pole in Santa’s Workshop (more like Santa’s Sweatshop, am I right?) I mean do they get paid? Is there a union to protect them from hazardous working conditions? I’m going to go with NO on that. At one point you see the elves singing for Santa.  That’s when I realized that Santa is a dictator.

hail_santa_by_zmbgraphics-d4h6hr9The elf overseer realizes that one elf isn’t there, Hermie. He soon finds Hermie in the Sweat…I mean Workshop hammering away at a doll’s mouth. Why? Because Hermie wants to be a dentist and in the North Pole, an elf wanting to be a dentist is NOT OK! The overseer tells Hermie he will never fit in! So Hermie leaves, because he doesn’t fit in, he’s a misfit. What they do elves have against dental hygiene anyway? If their diet is even remotely like Buddy the Elf they NEED a good dentist in the North Pole.

You then go back to Rudolph on his first day of flying school. This blonde reindeer, he may have a name but I will refer to him as Biff. He prances up to Rudolph (he must be Prancer’s son) and is all like “come on Rudolph let’s go, there will be does there!” (because apparently the girls had nothing better to do then watch the boys learn to fly). Another thing that bother’s me is they laugh hysterically at the reindeer that tries to fly for the very first time but fails. Well duh, not everyone is like Harry Potter and picks up on flying so naturally.

Once Rudolph’s nose is discovered and he is promptly made fun of, he fleas the only home he has ever known. On his travels he meets the abominable snowman. Unfortunately Rudolph’s beacon of a honker attracts the monster (he’s my kid’s favorite part). Luckily, a lone weirdo (and fickle prospector) named Yukon Cornelius (hell of a name) saves Rudolph and Hermie by discovering Bomble’s (Yukon’s pet name for the monster) weakness. Apparently he is made of concrete and quickly sinks when he falls into the water as the three misfits sail away on an iceberg (Bomble does get out of the water in case you were wondering).

They sail upon an island of misfit toys. There is a Charlie in a Box, the black sheep of the Jack in the Box family. That makes me sad because my son’s name is Charlie and I think it’s totally fine for a in the Box toy to be named Charlie.  They are ruled by an Oz like leader, who happens to resemble a winged Scar from the Lion King.

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They soon discover that they are misfits even on an island of misfit toys. Quite sad actually.

Rudolph decides to leave his companions and return home. When he gets home, Santa tells him that his mom, dad, and girlfriend have gone out to search for him and that Christmas Eve is two days away. Basically Santa says that Christmas will be ruined for everyone and it’s all your fault you stupid freak. Santa lays on the guilt trip hard. The movie does a flashback and Donner tells his wife to stay home because it’s man’s work to go look for things. Now, I am in no way a feminist but come on!

Rudolph ventures out to look for his family who is looking for him. You get this weird reindeer inception thing going on. He finds that they have been captured by Bomble! The reindeer are saved by Rudolph’s old travel buddies, Yukon and Hermie. Yukon knocks Bomble out and Hermie pulls out all his teeth. f35c50da2623c555f6a6c672c0f69776

Just when they think they have won, Bomble wakes up and Yukon tackles him over the edge. Charlie (my son, not Jack’s black sheep cousin) got extremely upset because Yukon’s sled dogs go over they edge too. “Roo roo! Roo roo!” He makes a sad face as I try to reassure him that they will be okay. Before I forget to mention it, Yukon had a misfit team of sled dogs. He had at least one bulldog and a toy poodle. Not sure how he was able to mush around.

When Hermie and the reindeer return to the North Pole, the other elves and Santa admit that mistakes were made and they should have made so much fun of Rudolph and Hermie. So apparently just saying sorry for running some one out of town is enough. Yukon returns some how so there is a nice reunion.

At Christmas eve dinner  everyone is celebrating the return of the misfits and all is forgiven and forgotten. Then the storm of the century blows in and Rudolph is the only thing that will help Santa deliver toys to millions of kids around the world. When the show went off to the tune of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer and Santa was proudly holding the reins of his trusty sleigh with Rudolph out front Charlie said bye Santa! I looked up and smiled at him and thought to myself, if you only knew the true Santa…one day my son, you will understand, one day.

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