Four Letter Nerd

Grand Theft Auto V (SPOILERS & NSFW)

Recently, like all 20 something males in America, I picked up Grand Theft Auto V. There was so much hype behind this game that my high expectations slowly began to sink to the depths of the sea. I didn’t want to be letdown like I was for Dishonored (I hated that game with a passion). I had been waiting since the end of GTA IV for V. Now, unlike many people I really enjoyed IV. I thought it was a fun game and had a great dynamic between the characters. Roman always asked Niko to go bowling because he didn’t have many friends and that’s understandable.

So, I picked up my copy of GTA V and went straight home to start the game, after deleting 8 gigs of space for my X-Box hard rive, and that seemed to take an eternity. But that didn’t nearly take as long as installing it did, Christ man, I felt like an Ethiopian waiting for a Christmas goose. THE GAME FINALLY INSTALLED! And my god… it was beautiful. I have already clocked in 16 hours of game play and only done 23% of the story (as of 9/22/13).

The game is instantly opened to you. The entire world of Los Santos is at your fingertips. I both love and hate sandbox games, for those nongamers reading, pretty much a sandbox game is where you can go practically anywhere in the game and not have to complete missions to open/explore the map. In GAT IV you had to complete missions to unlock additional areas on the map. Once I found out the map was open, I stopped playing the story.

I get bored with video games after say 45 minutes or so. A few games can hold my attention for hours on end, Red Dead Redemption, Knights Of The Old Republic, Batman Arkham Asylum/City, and GTA V. I know it’s early to put GTA V in this list but I stand by that comment. I can’t tell you the amount of stores I have robbed and the number of strippers I have had intimate relationships with. Speaking of the strippers, if you are into anime porn, this game might be for you! The strippers are topless without any tassles or nipple-tap (Man do I wish these strippers had Bat-nipples…)

Bat Nipples

Now, lets get into why this game is rated M, (for Mature not Mommy-Will-You-Buy-This-For-Me). Before I go any further let me state that I don’t have kids, and I’m normally completely against censorship. But if you have a kid FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT let them play this game. We are introduced to one of our main charters, Trevor (who is a perfect representation of punk “god” GG Allin), having what looks like anal sex with a strung out meth biker girl, he then proceeds to curb stomp a guy. Another character, Michael, has to rescue his daughter from filming porn and all that stuff.  Besides sexual situations and nudity, like all GTA games, its full of language, drugs, and very foul language.

Screen Shot 2013-09-24 at 7.00.25 PM

I think one of the most disturbing parts of the game for me so far has been when Michael has to work with an FBI agent to assassinate a target. While you are looking for said target, Trevor is torturing a man for information(I am completely against torture under any circumstances, this was a bit difficult for me to play through), you water-board him, shock him with jumper cables, pull teeth out AND whack him in the balls with a huge wrench. So remember, this is not a game for children.

One of my absolute favorite things that I have done so far in the Los Santos world was a rampage with Trevor. The entire premise of the rampage is to slaughter 25 rednecks. Yes, that’s right. You just start shooting rednecks in this backwoods desert town and once you kill 25 of them in around 2 minutes, you complete the mission. Lets just say I got 36 of those hicks and was pretty proud of myself. There is another Rampage where you just slaughter 25 gangbangers. Not as much fun for me.

My only complaint(s) with this game is the damn police and driving aspects. The police are freaking ridiculous and impossible to survive. They are so realistic I don’t know if I should hate them or love them. Some of the techniques that the cops use in this are ridiculous and way to realistic. At one point I was in a high speed chase and a cop car came out of an intersection and hit my rear end, I spun out and hit another car. I proceeded to fly through my windshield and was hit by public bus and then the wonderful words “Wasted” came on the screen; I was dead.

I think my absolute favorite thing about this game though is how appealing it makes crime. Now I am a pretty “good” guy all-around. I like to be bad in video games because I’m normally good in real life (unlike Cam Clark who plays only good guys in video games). In Knights Of The Old Republic, I always take the way of the Sith, in Skyrim I am in the Dark Brotherhood and slaughter anyone who stands in my way, in Mass Effect I try to be bad, and in GTA all I can do is be bad. So, what else do I need in life?  I love being able to rob liquer stores and gas stations; I like ripping people out of their cars, and I REALLY love all the chaos you can cause. And when it comes to my gaming habits, the more mischief I can cause, the more I love it.

I also have to say how great this game flows. You play as three different characters and switch between all three during some missions. It’s done in a way that seems so natural. You would think you have played hundreds of games that have done this before. Its fun seeing how the characters interact with each other, and its even more fun to see how you interact with the characters.

 

Over all, I give this game a 10/10 – would ditch class to play.

 

(Writers note, my brother doesn’t much care for video games and he always says “I just want to go on a bus full of Girl Scouts and Nuns and blow it up with a missile launcher; I’m sorry Danny this still isn’t the game for you BUT it does have a logging truck you can run people over with like the movie City Of Angels)

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Bill Clark

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